This is not my life

I don’t know where I went wrong, but every day, I feel far from the person I wanted to be in this life. She is too far, I can’t make a glimpse of her. How will I reach her when I can’t clearly see her? I talk of her as if she’s a figment of my imagination. Like she doesn’t recognize who I am?

I feel detached from myself, hurting but not crying, amused but not laughing, angry and not shouting. Should I? Rip off my hair and start a protest against myself. I failed me, turned my back on myself. I’ve been driving myself in all the wrong directions. Wrong turns on wrong roads.

I don’t believe in fate. 

I believe in doing and I did this to myself. Brought this body here, in this house I want to leave and clothes I’d love to burn. I’m failing at living. I wake up and move. Move my life the way I’d like, a way that I’ll be at peace with. Then I go to bed and wonder what strides I’ve made. I feel I’ve been marching on the spot, looking at the same views.

Where did I go wrong? I’m not 100% sure either but I’ve come down to these three things.

I shouldn’t have stopped listening to myself.

Guilty, yes I am, of talking to myself and I loved hearing. In my late teens, early twenties, I went with myself. Life was noisy in all the good ways. My counsel mattered more than anyone else’s. I went with my body, my mind and my heart; they always led the way for me. But, I started valuing the opinions of others more than mine. One more ear to another was one less to me. I thought they knew better, I shouldn’t have.

I shouldn’t have stopped doing things I like.

This was not a problem for me. I see, like, I want to; I do, that was my motto. Simple as that, no overthinking. The only thoughts invested involved finding the ways to move from I see to I do. And I don’t know why I stopped, I really can’t explain this.

I should have said no.

I allowed myself to be involved in things I didn’t want to be part of. Things that wouldn’t have happened it I just said no, be clear and refused to show up. I missed out on things I wanted.

It’s impossible to go back to that, consequences are right here with me and I can’t rid myself of them. I was drowning at some point, but I hope I’m reclaiming myself. Piece by piece picking up myself and putting them back on me believing they’ll stick, working to make them.

I say No, now. This is my first step. It’s not so easy but slowly I hope that blurry woman afar will become visible.

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