What’s It Like To Have Your Soul Embraced?

Photo by Shelby Deeter on Unsplash

So I wished my partner Happy Birthday. Well, it was not his but that of his dead girlfriend. I regret doing that; I should not have. He was away for work when I texted him, and he replied. Said some wounds and gaps never heal. His answer triggered something in me. Suddenly I was sad, and I started crying. Something in me had just told me to wish him, and I did.

I got the date wrong.

The funny thing is that I was wrong; it was a day before, he corrected me. Afterward, he said even though those wounds had not healed, he thanked God for Life.

It took me a while to reply. I did not have anything meaningful to say, but I felt I needed to. So I texted cool on the date part and true on gaps not being filled. Finally, I quickly followed up with a good night and a great day the next day. I just wanted to be done with the whole thing.

I started feeling inadequate.

His reply made me feel less. I would not be enough for him since he had not healed. So, as usual, I churned out poems. One about sadness, the other about being too much, and another about wanting to be loved. They are the fastest way I cope with disappointments.

I love the guy, truly and immensely. He loves me too; I know this. However, every once in a while, well, maybe more times, I find myself questioning his love for me, and it leads me to places I do not want to be. Sometimes, I end up pushing him emotionally to vulnerable positions.

Why cannot I be?

Revel in our love and be calm. It is what would be best for me; I know it. Now it is going to be weird between us for days. I see how he looks at me sometimes. Like I am not making sense like I must be mad, the way I think and what I say.
But he stays, does things he knows will calm me down and make me smile.

I know he loves me. Why do I doubt it?

What is it like
To be loved in your entirety
Turn yourself inside out
And have all those parts caressed
What is it like
To have your soul embraced
Unafraid of the moments
Taking in all that is present
What is it like
To live like that

Above was the poem I wrote asking how it feels to have a love like that. I meant to dig at him. On the lines of, I love you like this, but I do not get that from you. I was on my Whatsapp status as soon as I wrote it. I usually post there. It made me sad that he read it because I know he loves me like that.

He has seen me inside out and still stays; embraces my soul when I least expect it. I am always an advocate of taking personal responsibility. I want to be the one loving instead of being loved, giving instead of given. To be on the side of you need to be kind, gentle instead of expecting others to be that for you. To be the one instead of searching for the one.

I have done this so much; I fail to realize that I am loved, cared and caressed too. That someone is always there for me instead of questioning it all the time. Knowing I have a shoulder to cry on instead of trying to always lend mine.

I love my partner, and I want to be a good one too, but a big part of that is accepting the help, the love, the care given to me, and not always trying to tick the boxes that make me a good one.

Accept the good stuff too.

We are always encouraged to accept the bad stuff, grief, loss, and disappointments, and maybe we have forgotten how to accept the good ones too. To admit that we are cared for and loved, to say yes, they were there for us.
We live apart, and we have gotten used to it, I and my partner and I try to keep us connected each time. That is how I measure our connectedness; if we still can affect each other, evoke anger, love, care. I use to see that we are still together emotionally. Maybe that is why I asked.

However, I have learned from this encounter is that I am loved. I need to accept that and remember it instead of testing it now and again and doubting it. That my soul is embraced, I should focus on that more than I do.

Do you know what it’s like to have your soul embraced?

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