I’m down, I’m up

I’m 27, unemployed, a mother of two, living at home.

I’m almost 30, in debt, with a broken phone.

That’s what up, that’s what’s down. It could be worse though, I recently had a pregnancy scare, but it turns out there was no bun. I’ve been dodging debtors calls for a while now and the writing jobs I usually do have been scarce of late. A month ago, we broke up with the love of my life but we’re back together so I guess the whole soulmate’s thing is real. I was not myself those two weeks we were apart. Have you ever felt like you were in chaos within, you were you but not you still? I was like that.

I’ve had two rock bottoms in my life, I’m thinking this is the third. I’m sure each of us has their problems, difficulties, challenges; whatever you may choose to call. Sometimes they’re harsh than others and may end up defining who we are.

For the first time in my life, call it growth or hope, I choose now to look ahead. I choose to see the good, to embrace myself now. Now when all I see is bleak, now when all roads point south, now when my life seems like a bunch of stuff thrown together. I smile, I laugh, I’m full of joy now and I don’t understand. I am far from the image I had of myself when I was young. The person I thought I’d be now back then would look at me and be shocked at how everything turned out.
I wanted a lot of things to have, to be in a different position but I hadn’t envisioned who I’d be or the kind of person I’d have become. I wanted houses, cars, a thriving career, awesome clothes, the list goes on.

The person I am now, the woman I’ve become who laughs in the middle of chaos, who finds balance amidst what seems like endless worries astound me. I wake up every day with the small goals that I achieve most of the times and go to bed with the troubles that wait for tomorrow. I look in the mirror and smile because I don’t comprehend how strong and stable I am. All I’ve been through knowingly, unknowingly has led me to this fearless woman full of dreams and hope.

I write this now not because I am anywhere close to my dreams, or have accomplished half of what I wanted or broken some records, nothing like that. I write this now, now when my situations scream awful and sad, I am me, I am strong, I am beauty, I have conquered. I write this now, now when I’m down, I’m up.

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  1. Nancy Sakka says:

    Sometimes we do not know how strong we are in till being string is the only option you have .

    As dark as things may seem right now, hang on. It is always dusk before it is dawn.
    All the best.

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Thanks Nancy. Appreciated.

    2. Bonnie says:

      Great piece lady . Congragulation.

      1. mm
        Sitawa says:

        Thanks Bonnie

  2. Mutio says:

    Great piece

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Asante Mutio.

  3. Ronoh says:

    Wow an awesome piece ,thanks for this be blessed

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Thanks Ronoh.

  4. Priscilla Muli says:

    Amazing I love it! Quite inspirational

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Appreciated Priscilla

  5. Irene says:

    Deep staff Sitawa.been there too.. And as you say when you down you up.. We are beauty and we heros

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      True Irene. Thanks

  6. kibicho says:

    What a masterpiece of literature & talent!!!!

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Thank you Kibicho

  7. Dolla Martin says:

    Great peace, usually i stop reading halfway. Bt for this i had to finish, looking forwad to read more. Kudos👌

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Thanks Dollar Bill. Appreciated.

  8. Asuma says:

    Just writing alone is a dream achieved. Go on it full throttle and in a few years you will be the upcoming ‘Thiong’o’

    1. mm
      Sitawa says:

      Haha. Thanks Asuma

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