I’m up, I’m down
I’m 27, unemployed, a mother of two, living at home.
I’m almost 30, in debt, with a broken phone.
That’s what up, that’s what’s down. It could be worse though, I recently had a pregnancy scare, but it turns out there was no bun. I’ve been dodging debtors calls for a while now. The writing jobs I usually do have been scarce of late. A month ago, we broke up with the love of my life. We’re back together so I guess the whole soulmate’s thing is real. I was not myself those two weeks we were apart. Have you ever felt like you were in chaos within, you were you but not you still? I was like that.
I’ve had two rock bottoms in my life, I’m thinking this is the third. I’m sure each of us has their problems, difficulties, challenges; whatever you may choose to call. Sometimes they’re harsh than others and may end up defining who we are.
For the first time in my life, call it growth or hope, I choose now to look ahead. I choose to see the good, to embrace myself now. Now when all I see is bleak, now when all roads point south. Now when my life seems like a bunch of stuff thrown together. I smile, I laugh, I’m full of joy now and I don’t understand. I am far from the image I had of myself when I was young. The person I thought I’d be now back then would look at me and be shocked. Shocked how everything turned out.
I wanted a lot of things to have and be in a different position. However, I hadn’t envisioned who I’d be or the kind of person I’d have become. I wanted houses, cars, a thriving career, awesome clothes, the list goes on.
The person I am now, the woman I’ve become who laughs in the middle of chaos, who finds balance amidst what seems like endless worries astounds me. I wake up every day with the small goals that I achieve most of the time and go to bed with the troubles that wait for tomorrow. I look in the mirror and smile because I don’t comprehend how strong and stable I am. All I’ve been through knowingly, unknowingly has led me to this fearless woman full of dreams and hope.
I write this now not because I am anywhere close to my dreams, or have accomplished half of what I wanted or broken some records, nothing like that. Now when my situations scream awful and sad, I am me, I am strong, I am beauty, I have conquered. I write this now, now when I’m down, I’m up