Positivism used to full in me. I was always the half-full-cup, look-at-the-bright- side kind of girl and I loved it. In any situation I would focus on the part where something could still be done, the part with a fighting chance be it 0.001% and it’s all I’d tell my friends. Even in the darkest of situations where probably I’d be down longer than usual, finding my way back to the happy place was normally be quick and I’d be back to the land of rainbows and sweet food. All I knew and believed was that everything would be great so long as I trusted that and it came easily to me.
Consequently, I rarely planned. Things came and went as they did with very little of my doing. I did things that made me happy. Delight was the main consideration in most of my activities and I seldom cared the logistics behind the endeavors. I was living life to the fullest and gladly in bliss. Things worked out for me relatively but I was generally content with my life. I hardly ever looked farther ahead thinking of consequences and what would be the outcome of my actions because what I needed to work out eventually came to be so. Time and again I’d refute the idea that you can’t get everything and that even if you had faith that things would work out the way they should they didn’t.
I can’t to a certain extent identify the exact point I stopped being a staunch believer of all things good but that part of me wore out, got pushed back or died down slowly until now I can barely identify with that girl I was back then. The usual daily battles that we fight through every day may have added up and gradually I may have stopped trusting that all would be well. Being pleased and exultant now is a struggle and many times I found myself sucked into this vortex of sadness and self-pity that ends up eating into my day. Excitement happens very few times and now little things bring me up to that level.
As a result, I end up tired and angry and I hate it. I’ve been trying to get myself back to that girl who used to laugh and thrive in pleasure. I won’t be exactly the same but I want that level of enjoyment back. Of course, I strategize myself nowadays; went through some pretty dire consequences that I didn’t fancy but I reckon it was for my betterment. One of the deeds that sort of take me to my way back are appreciating and reveling in my small victories. Waking up early that I did yesterday, learning a new technique that I had no idea about before, doing something that makes my kids laugh or scrubbing that pot sparkling clean than I normally do are some of the small victories I take pleasure in. I must not have realized it then but when all these little achievements are added together they make up a rather jovial life. Didn’t they say it’s the small things that matter?