It is rebirth, a new period for me. That is the best word I can use to describe the place I am in right now. I moved out of our family home with my two children. In truth, it is my first time living as the only adult in the house since college. I have always had my siblings around, if not my mother.
I wanted this truly, to have my new beginning.
So many things were going wrong in my life, and I longed for better. I will be turning 30 in a few months, and I had this constant gnawing in my gut that I will have the next best ten years of my life coming up. Consequently, I knew that I had to let go of all my twenties, set the pace for my thirties by starting again.
I did not want to be a single parent. But my relationship with my partner has had me crying more than laughing. Even though I thought this new phase included him, it seems it is not to be.
Moving out with my two children with nothing, learning how to budget with them, coordinate their activities and mine and still deal with the break up has been a lot. Some days I am on top of the moon, and on others, I want to curl up and never get out of bed.
All this began with a Saturday a few weeks ago, when I thought I would die.
I was under, physically, mentally, and emotionally and thought that would be my death date. That experience changed my perspective on life, and I started believing again. I began doing things because I wanted and had faith they would happen and not cause they made sense. These are the things I have learned about starting again.
Nothing is perfect at once just because I am where I wanted to be.
It bugged me for a while. I had moved out, started fresh again, so I expected everything to be perfect. It was not so. It felt monumental, and I felt at peace, but I had put such a high expectation on it when it happened it fell a bit short of what I wanted. There were things that I still needed to figure out, and nothing was going to fall in place on its own.
There is still work to be done, within myself and in my surroundings.
I expected to wake up every day feeling joyful and thankful. There were days like that, and I enjoyed them. But sometimes, I wake up thinking if I am going to make it. How am I going to push through and complete every assignment I have for the day? Sometimes I am too exhausted. Having to cater for everything, work and do the house chores does take a toll on me sometimes. I am just beginning to adapt to my new routine.
Sometimes, I need to put a front for my friends. They ask how I am and how great it is that I moved and started again. When they do ask, at times, I am just not feeling it, and I lie. I do not want to bother them with my feelings. So I agree and say I am very well.
I have to do things on my own now; pat my shoulder, wipe my tears, and sometimes it can get lonely. But I chose this, I say, starting again but still, that loneliness does get to me.
There are days where I doubt myself and the decision that I make.
I feel like it does not make sense when I think about it deeply. How could I think I would do this? Maybe I made the wrong decision. But I know in my heart of hearts, I cannot go back.
I still need help.
I think everyone does, but I did not think I would once I moved. The calls of encouragement I get from my friends, the food my mum brings sometimes, and the times my sister stays over and looks after the kids. I just wanted to be by myself, do things on my own.
But I understand it all now.
I get the doubt. I mean, I am on a new path. It makes sense to be unfamiliar with working around my experiences. When I doubt, I calm myself down with that. I am not supposed to know everything. I understand the loneliness. I used to live in a place full of people, and I could drown myself in them. The lonely feeling is welcome now. It makes me think deeply about why I feel as I do and what I can do about it.
The fact that everything hasn’t fallen into place frightens me sometimes. However, it strengthens my belief. I wouldn’t be here, have done all this if I didn’t believe in it even by a small percentage. So when some days take me in and chew me out, I remind myself of this belief, and if not, there is always a new day coming. A new day means there’s a chance for more, for better, and that gives me hope.
I get this is not the complete heavenly bliss I imagined in my mind. It is my rebirth, even a newborn baby gets to learn everything, and that takes time. It is a little bit of heaven for myself and my children, and there is nowhere else I would rather be right now. So these doubts, fears, and realizations are part of this new journey.
I believe so and have faith I will be more than okay.Margaret Sitawa
2 thoughts on “The Truth About Starting Life All Over Again”
The guts and the strength to start all over again are both derived from a personal acknowledgement that though today’s situation may be difficult tomorrow will be brighter if we manage to keep strong and sober today. I love your Writing Sitawa.
True. Thank you Esther.