Why am I still alive? I ask myself. But the better question is, how am I still alive? I have just spent two hours on the balcony wondering what is to come. The advice is to stick to the present, but mine is bleak. I am crushing under mountains of debt I have no idea how I will repay.
Recently, I moved into a new home with my kids, which I wanted, but I did not think I would have this much on my shoulders. A week ago, I could not sleep. I was worried, tossing and turning, trying to figure out a way to make rent this month. I am so stressed and losing weight. And just an hour ago, a friend of mine sent me some cash I was to repay my mum for a loan and guess what I just sent it to the wrong person.
It seems my vision is blurred.
Her number is the first one I ever crammed, yet I could not see it. To make matters worse, I called her and texted her, reached her through my sister, and told her she was unreachable; that was last week. Now, I realize that it was not her number. I hope the reversal goes through and I get my money back.
If this is what stress should feel like, I have never experienced it before. I used to say I lived day by day, but it’s true now. I didn’t know what I was speaking of then.
My kids, God bless them, are the one thing keeping me functional because they need me, my love, and my care. I used to say that going through a rough time while taking care of your children must be the worst thing on earth. But I think not now. They remind me that there is still a future, albeit theirs that I still need to look after and shape.
My oldest friend is unwell; I cannot talk to her. And this is my fight. My other friends have families too, and my own family believes I am fine and well. I wouldn’t want them to think otherwise.
For the first time in my life, I feel utterly alone.
I have felt alone before, but this is a new level. I feel like there is nowhere I can turn and lay this all out. As I was seated outside, I wrote a poem about this moment. It stunned me. It goes;
We have nothing to offer this world
Except for ourselves,
Our lessons and experiences.
We have everything to offer this world
All of ourselves,
Our lessons and experiences.
I was shocked because it feels I have so much to share while still struggling. There is a lot of love for me to give and inspiration to spread. It got me thinking about the Will to Live.
Right before that poem, a thought crossed my mind. What if I were to die right now? Maybe this pain will end. But then I thought, I don’t know where it is dead people go, it may be much worse there. It’s not the first time I have thought about myself dying. But that is not what pulled me back. It is the fact that I feel like I need to live, and I know it in my heart.
But I wonder why and how? How do I still hold on in this darkness I see my life is now. What did I do the past two times I was pregnant and thought my life was over? How did I hold on when we broke things off with my partner, and I felt I could live no longer?
I always thought that anchors hold us to this life. They can be our families, partners, children, or careers. Sometimes they are the empires we have built. But all people die, careers end and empires fall, and we are still left standing, living.
So I have stopped making sense of it all because the answer is Will.
The will to live is so strong it defies our understanding. And as much as we try to make sense of it all, it does not, and probably it should not. It is just there with us, always, holding on when we can’t and keeping us when we feel we shouldn’t be.
So we shouldn’t underestimate it at all. The world is crying, so much depression going on, debts, climate crisis, nations falling, yet we still are here.
We power on because of our will to live.
It sustains us through the floods and always will.